Puzzle Pieces (Jiu-jitsu and my brain)

I've been training Brazilian Jiu-jitsu for a little over 3 years now (I'm a blue belt). It entered my life during a very stressful time. My life became increasingly stressful while training, but I loved it. Probably the one thing that made sense to me, while also not making sense. I loved being there. Loved training. The concepts of Jiu-jitsu made sense to me, and I could hold my own, but still found myself frustrated, because I couldn't remember moves. Couldn't remember technique...or maybe paid attention to all the wrong things...or maybe that's just Jiu-jitsu for some of us? As I look back and think about it now...it feels like I was building a puzzle. I'm pretty good at puzzles. Everyone knows you get the edge and corner pieces first. Then you fill it in. I felt like I've been struggling to fill it in...but then

...I don't know. A few weeks ago...I started getting those pieces. You know that moment when you're building a puzzle, and you really start to see the full picture? It starts to make sense? You can start organizing pieces. You can put them in faster and faster? That just started for me, and it's been so exciting! I feel good when I'm rolling. Slowing down. Allowing myself to focus on technique. Not just getting that submission.

So it came as a shock to me, however, as a bystander yelled out that I was looking horrible. I half didn't even hear them. Half understood that they were slightly picking on me, but the comment burrowed into my brain, and it's been resting and growing there. So much so that I felt the drive to write this.

I've come to the realization through these past few years that I'm a people pleaser. My worth tends to be attached to how good I am at something. I keep wanting to earn my value. Earn my place. So when someone makes a comment like that...I take it to heart. It becomes what I am. Doesn't matter how I'm feeling. Doesn't matter that I can see marked improvement, and that Jiu-jitsu and my brain are starting to click. It matters what this one person said in jest.

That. That right there, is why I love Jiu-jitsu. It has opened my eyes to my flaws. My broken parts. I kinda wondered why I never talked about my Jiu-jitsu journey, while I notice a lot of people make it their identity. Some reasons why were obvious, as people in my life made me feel shame for training. That was another battle all together...but the other part...I think...is that it's a journey. My journey. My journey to conquer myself. It's personal. It's sensitive. It's full of missing pieces. What's the big picture?

Little by little though...as my flaws and strengths are brought to light...I get to add one more puzzle piece in. I get to solve those problems. I get to change that big picture. I get to...not only find out who I am...I get to become a better version.

So yeah...just felt like blabbing...Off to class now 😌